WOMEN: STOP MARRYING JERKS!!!

ARTIST RENDERING OF THE AVERAGE DOUCHE BAG

I stopped update this blog on a regular basis to concentrate on the retro blog, because my opinions were causing problems with my work. I've supposedly been blacklisted by one company in Springfield and maybe a few others around the area that I don't know about. However, I feel this is a topic that needs attention. The problem is women dating, marrying and reproducing with jerks, douche bags and knuckle dragging A-holes (pictured above).

What made me want to write this post? I was eating dinner at Qdoba a few nights ago, when one of these guys came in. Like the illustration above, he had a buzz cut and was wearing Razor sunglasses. He also had three kids with him but no wife. This guy yelled at these kids and treated them like they were prisoners in a work yard. The bad part is these kids were not doing anything wrong. He was yelling stuff like, "Don't look at people!," "Don't walk so fast!," "Don't walk so slow!," and "Don't breath to loud!"

Later, when his four year old son began crying, he smacked the kid upside the head and screamed at him "MEN DON'T CRY." The only break his kids got from his relentless bullying was when he would walk out to his gigantic, blue, G-M-C pickup truck with tractor-size tires and talk on his phone. I'm sure if I saw his truck's bumper, it is probably covered in tea party and anti-Obama bumper stickers. He would come back in and tell his kids, "I am watching you through the window and if I see any misbehaving I will spank you. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

To make things more infuriating, some old white woman told him that she "wanted to compliment him on the fine job he was doing keep your children disciplined." AAARRRGGGGH!!! DON'T ENCOURAGE THIS JERK, LADY!!!

This post is a message to women everywhere, but especially to women here in the Ozarks: STOP MARRYING AND REPRODUCING WITH GUYS LIKE THIS!!! What do women see in guys like this?  I'm 45 years old and can't get a date to save my life, yet guys like this are married and, usually, have three or four girlfriends on the side. These guys also are not above backhanding their girlfriends or wives like Bjorn Borg would a Wilson #3 tennis ball. Matter of fact, these are the guys you see on the local news that shake babies and throw them against the wall.

Here are some signs to look for that the guy you are interested in is a jerk or douche bag of this nature.

1. He listens to talk radio and waxes nostalgic for Vincent David Jericho and Chuck Booms.
2. When asked about music, he says the Beatles, Nirvana and Bob Dylan are overrated, then admits he has all of Ted Nugent's CDs.
3. Spends much of his free time going on websites and trashing Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. He also likes to slam Brad Pitt on the KY-3 Facebook site.
4. Speaking of Facebook, he frequently shares those stupid Grumpy Cat memes.
5. The characters in teen movies that he identifies with are:

   

   DOUGLAS NEDEMEYER

THE OGRE

Ladies, take my advice, you should never fall in love with a guy like this. There are too many of them out their. You would be better off with a charming, funny guy like me.

Of course, this is the kind of opinion that has made me the Super-Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

Springfieldian Brad Pitt Nominated For Oscar - The Dark Knight Didn't Get Best Pic (HA-HA)

I was happy to see that The Dark Knight was not nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture since everyone knows I am world famous as "The Guy Who Didn't Like The Dark Knight." One Dark Knight fan said I "suffered from being a douche bag."

However, it was cool to see Springfieldian Brad Pitt nominated for Best Actor in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. All together Benjamin Button received 13 nominations. Here is CNN's report on the Oscar nominations.

Now, soon we will see comments on the News Leader message boards by a bunch of local redneck, right-wing jerks who will brag that they "Don't care about the Oscars" and "Ain't gunna watch'em."

I don't like this attitude. See I'm in radio. I feel I deserve an award of some kind, but unfortunately the companies I've worked for have never given me the recognition I deserve. I, unlike many in the local market, believe that I'm in the same league with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Sean Penn and others. I AM A CELEBRITY! I AM A GOD WALKING AMONG YOU SILLY LITTLE MORTALS!

You people should have more respect for the Hollywood community. They deserve awards for what they do, unlike you plumbers, bankers, real estate people, insurance agents, tire store salespeople, youth ministers, gym coaches and other riff-raff. After all you Ozarkers are stupid enough to worship talk radio goons, that nerdy lady governor of Alaska and that bald plumber guy.

You people are going to watch the Oscars this year or I'll have to zap you with my death ray, which will reduce you to atoms for me to scatter to the fore winds. It is either that or I'll have my robot stomp your house. Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Forrest J. Ackerman 1916 - 2008

Monster Kids who grew up between the 50s to the 80s are morning the loss of Forrest J. Ackerman, founder of Famous Monsters. Here is a good piece from the Los Angeles Times about his life and career. As he would have written in Famous Monsters, Prince Sirki (Joe Black to you Brad Pitt fans) has taken another soul from the Earth.