WOMEN: STOP MARRYING JERKS!!!

ARTIST RENDERING OF THE AVERAGE DOUCHE BAG

I stopped update this blog on a regular basis to concentrate on the retro blog, because my opinions were causing problems with my work. I've supposedly been blacklisted by one company in Springfield and maybe a few others around the area that I don't know about. However, I feel this is a topic that needs attention. The problem is women dating, marrying and reproducing with jerks, douche bags and knuckle dragging A-holes (pictured above).

What made me want to write this post? I was eating dinner at Qdoba a few nights ago, when one of these guys came in. Like the illustration above, he had a buzz cut and was wearing Razor sunglasses. He also had three kids with him but no wife. This guy yelled at these kids and treated them like they were prisoners in a work yard. The bad part is these kids were not doing anything wrong. He was yelling stuff like, "Don't look at people!," "Don't walk so fast!," "Don't walk so slow!," and "Don't breath to loud!"

Later, when his four year old son began crying, he smacked the kid upside the head and screamed at him "MEN DON'T CRY." The only break his kids got from his relentless bullying was when he would walk out to his gigantic, blue, G-M-C pickup truck with tractor-size tires and talk on his phone. I'm sure if I saw his truck's bumper, it is probably covered in tea party and anti-Obama bumper stickers. He would come back in and tell his kids, "I am watching you through the window and if I see any misbehaving I will spank you. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

To make things more infuriating, some old white woman told him that she "wanted to compliment him on the fine job he was doing keep your children disciplined." AAARRRGGGGH!!! DON'T ENCOURAGE THIS JERK, LADY!!!

This post is a message to women everywhere, but especially to women here in the Ozarks: STOP MARRYING AND REPRODUCING WITH GUYS LIKE THIS!!! What do women see in guys like this?  I'm 45 years old and can't get a date to save my life, yet guys like this are married and, usually, have three or four girlfriends on the side. These guys also are not above backhanding their girlfriends or wives like Bjorn Borg would a Wilson #3 tennis ball. Matter of fact, these are the guys you see on the local news that shake babies and throw them against the wall.

Here are some signs to look for that the guy you are interested in is a jerk or douche bag of this nature.

1. He listens to talk radio and waxes nostalgic for Vincent David Jericho and Chuck Booms.
2. When asked about music, he says the Beatles, Nirvana and Bob Dylan are overrated, then admits he has all of Ted Nugent's CDs.
3. Spends much of his free time going on websites and trashing Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. He also likes to slam Brad Pitt on the KY-3 Facebook site.
4. Speaking of Facebook, he frequently shares those stupid Grumpy Cat memes.
5. The characters in teen movies that he identifies with are:

   

   DOUGLAS NEDEMEYER

THE OGRE

Ladies, take my advice, you should never fall in love with a guy like this. There are too many of them out their. You would be better off with a charming, funny guy like me.

Of course, this is the kind of opinion that has made me the Super-Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

WHY I STOPPED TALKING ABOUT POLITICS AND NEWS

Someone sent me an e-mail asking why I wasn't posting anything about politics. Andy Cline of Rhetorica once said I wrote some of the best satire of anyone. He was one of the few who liked it.
Not only were there many people in the Ozarks who didn't like it. I received many death threats, mainly from an idiot at Mansfield, Mo. The main problem was some people in the local media, including co-workers, who didn't like it. They felt I made fun of the wrong people or things. I've been told I've been blacklisted by at least one of the radio clusters here in Springfield (Clear Channel). The co-workers who didn't like my opinions went to management and tried to get me fired.
I should note that I'm not angry about the state of the country like I was when I first started the old blog, however, I am not happy with the state of the Ozarks. I may never be. I've hated the Ozarks since I was in elementary school.
I have figured out that nothing makes Ozarkers more upset than someone having fun, being entertained and not griping about politics. So that is what I am doing with my current blog. I'm entertaining people.  I'm much happier and I'm having fun. The response is much slower but has always been very positive. That is what I like.

TIME OUT FOR A COKE

I haven't had time to post anything. If your are wondering, I've heard too many rumors about why KSGF fired Vincent David Jericho to go into them at the moment. Personally, I'd rather post the truth than conspiracy theories or sleazy innuendo (I know you are disappointed in me).

However, I thought lets take some time out and share a Coke, or at least at vintage Coke commercial from 40 years ago. It is part of "The Real Thing" campaign. This jingle is by the Fortunes, who performed most of "the Real Thing" jingles. They were the British pop band who had hits with "Here It Comes Again" and "You've Got You're Troubles." These jingles paved the way for their more upbeat hits of the 70s "Freedom Come, Freedom Go" and "Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again."



Desdinova's New Years Resolutions for 2009

My New Years Resolutions for 2009 include:

1. Post something on this blog that will cause both KSGF's Vincent David Jericho and KWTO's Chuck Booms to explode simultaneously.


2. Have some bonehead write a letter to the News Leader about me.


3. Marry Paris Hilton.


4. Change one of the local country or talk stations into a hot Top 40 station.


5. Take over the world. Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
   
   

Happy V.D (That stands for Valentine's Day)!

Valentine’s Day is here and almost past. It is a holiday that you either love or hate, because your memories are either good or bad. CNN has a great story on their website about this.

Sadly, at the moment there is no woman in Desdinova’s life, so I haven’t had to purchase anything for VD (Valentine’s Day).

I understand my co-worker, Chubby or whatever his name is, has been railing on Valentine’s Day as an evil plot by women to get gifts. Nice attitude. Of course, across town, “Popcicle Boy” has been giving advice on what to do for Valentine’s Day. Men: I’m no chick magnet (although I have invented one and when it is perfected I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Mwu-HAHAHAHA!) but I’m know that if you are taking advice on how to be romantic from Vincent David John Jacob Jingle Himerschmit Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla (who found a kangaroo) Shimmy Shimmy Ko-ko Bop Ramma Lama Ding Dong Do Wah Diddy Diddy Da Do Ron Ron Ron Da Do Ron Ron Gidyup Ooomp Pompa Oooomp Pompa Mow Mow Hiyo Silver Away Banana Fanna Fo Fanna De Doo Doo Doo De Da Da Da (That's all I want to say to you)Gabba Gabba Hey Gabba Hey (Now you're one of us) two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onion on a sesame seed bun, Itsy Bittsy Tiny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Joiner-Kersee Sammy Davis Junior Jericho, YOU DON’T DESERVE A GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE!

I spent a ton of money between seventh grade and my senor year on Eunice Moneymaker (pictured above). She went and married another guy. I really feel that she should pay me back for all the money I wasted on her. For instance, I would buy her a box of chocolates and she would give them to the rednecks and jock boys in her homeroom class. Eunice's knack for heartbreaking is responsible for me becoming the Super-villain of the Ozarks.

However, being nice does sometimes have advantages. I gave one young lady I was interested in a Valentine. I sort of snuck it in with something else. She didn’t notice it. I thought I had failed. The next day, she told me she found it later. She thanked me for it. She also told me the rat she was dating at that time had not given her a Valentine. She’s now married to someone else, but at least she appreciated it.

So Happy VD to all of you!