WOMEN: STOP MARRYING JERKS!!!

ARTIST RENDERING OF THE AVERAGE DOUCHE BAG

I stopped update this blog on a regular basis to concentrate on the retro blog, because my opinions were causing problems with my work. I've supposedly been blacklisted by one company in Springfield and maybe a few others around the area that I don't know about. However, I feel this is a topic that needs attention. The problem is women dating, marrying and reproducing with jerks, douche bags and knuckle dragging A-holes (pictured above).

What made me want to write this post? I was eating dinner at Qdoba a few nights ago, when one of these guys came in. Like the illustration above, he had a buzz cut and was wearing Razor sunglasses. He also had three kids with him but no wife. This guy yelled at these kids and treated them like they were prisoners in a work yard. The bad part is these kids were not doing anything wrong. He was yelling stuff like, "Don't look at people!," "Don't walk so fast!," "Don't walk so slow!," and "Don't breath to loud!"

Later, when his four year old son began crying, he smacked the kid upside the head and screamed at him "MEN DON'T CRY." The only break his kids got from his relentless bullying was when he would walk out to his gigantic, blue, G-M-C pickup truck with tractor-size tires and talk on his phone. I'm sure if I saw his truck's bumper, it is probably covered in tea party and anti-Obama bumper stickers. He would come back in and tell his kids, "I am watching you through the window and if I see any misbehaving I will spank you. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

To make things more infuriating, some old white woman told him that she "wanted to compliment him on the fine job he was doing keep your children disciplined." AAARRRGGGGH!!! DON'T ENCOURAGE THIS JERK, LADY!!!

This post is a message to women everywhere, but especially to women here in the Ozarks: STOP MARRYING AND REPRODUCING WITH GUYS LIKE THIS!!! What do women see in guys like this?  I'm 45 years old and can't get a date to save my life, yet guys like this are married and, usually, have three or four girlfriends on the side. These guys also are not above backhanding their girlfriends or wives like Bjorn Borg would a Wilson #3 tennis ball. Matter of fact, these are the guys you see on the local news that shake babies and throw them against the wall.

Here are some signs to look for that the guy you are interested in is a jerk or douche bag of this nature.

1. He listens to talk radio and waxes nostalgic for Vincent David Jericho and Chuck Booms.
2. When asked about music, he says the Beatles, Nirvana and Bob Dylan are overrated, then admits he has all of Ted Nugent's CDs.
3. Spends much of his free time going on websites and trashing Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. He also likes to slam Brad Pitt on the KY-3 Facebook site.
4. Speaking of Facebook, he frequently shares those stupid Grumpy Cat memes.
5. The characters in teen movies that he identifies with are:

   

   DOUGLAS NEDEMEYER

THE OGRE

Ladies, take my advice, you should never fall in love with a guy like this. There are too many of them out their. You would be better off with a charming, funny guy like me.

Of course, this is the kind of opinion that has made me the Super-Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

INGRID PITT 1937 - 2010

She was one of the sexiest female vampires in movie history. Buxom Hammer Horror film icon Ingrid Pitt died this week at age 73. The Baltimore Sun has her obituary. Her life story would make a great movie. Unlike the women she played in movies, she died without a stake through the heart. Rest in peace Ingird.

Note: Ingrid Pitt is no relation to local boy turned movie star Brad Pitt. Just wanted to make sure you knew that.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO LIKE THAT SONG

Did you ever stop liking something that you thought was "cool" when you were younger? Recently, I discovered that I no longer liked a song from my youth called "88 Lines About 44 Women." The song was by a group called the Nails. It kept coming up in my Ipod and Itunes. I had transferred it from a CD of 80's hits, so it wasn't like I had paid to download it.

You see when I was in junior high this song would occasionally be heard on the radio. If it was heard it was after 10 p.m at night. The reason was it had "dirty words" in it. I don't think I ever heard a "censored" version of this song. Somebody in Hammons Hall had it on a tape or record, because you could hear it playing down the hall. I didn't hear it again until I bought this 80's hits CD.

As it began playing on my Ipod and Itunes in shuffle mode, I noticed something. "88 Lines About 44 Women" is a really lame song. It is only about five minutes long, but it seems to go on for an eternity. The singer reads the lyrics like an NPR radio host, while the music sounds like it was played on a children's keyboard. The lyrics are simple yet so random. I could write new lyrics to this song and nobody would know the difference. All I need was to do would be come up with (1) two women's names - one exotic and one common, (2) an action that is very normal or sweet and tender (3) an action that is both disturbing and repulsive about either religion, drugs, sex or bodily functions and (4) throw in a four letter word. It would go something like this:

"Vanda was a fat girl, but she knew how to dance. Melinda was a sexy blond with a bad habit of $#!++ing her pants. Hhhuuummmm-hum-hum-hum-hum-HUM-hum-hum"

At the end of each verse, the lead vocalist/narrator would hum (Yes, I said hum) along with the music. To make things worse, there was another song about that time that sounded like it was being played on a child's keyboard that consisted mainly of the words "Da da da" repeated over and over.

If you MUST hear this song, you can find a homemade video of the song on You Tube. It probably isn't safe for work because it is not PC, not family friendly and down right annoying.

SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT THESE "MARRIED" SPRINGFIELD BOYS

This post will probably upset most of Springfield, but I feel this needs to be brought out into the open. Some of the other bloggers, such as Busplunge and Fat Jack, have brought this up in various post and it always produces a flurry of negative comments from those on the right (Usually that little punk named Jeremy). I don't allow comments, so I feel safe. I have noticed, while eating at a pizza buffett here in town, that there are a great number of attractive women married to upwardly mobile men who are closeted gay.

I know what you people are going to do. You will start saying I'm an evil person for suggesting this, but I'm observing this more and more in our community. You will see a whole group of families at a restaurant. The children will be eating and playing. The mothers will be swapping "mommy talk." While all of this going on, these lovely ladies' husbands are winking at each other, between yelling at the kids and talking about sports. Before anyone says it is my imagination, I want to point out that, at some point, one of these "family" men will say to another one (in a high feminine voice) "This chocolate chip pizza is to dddiiiieee for!"

They have all the trappings of being the kind of men that talk radio show host and News Leader letter writers think everyone should be. They drive an Escalade plastered with a McCain-Palin sticker and a "Support the Troops" magnet. They are wearing T-shirts with religious theme or a sports team logo on them. However, these guys act like their wives are a just a person who came along for the ride. No hugging, kissing or hand holding. She is just a kid wrangler.

I firmly believe there is a secret network of conservative groups and churches in this community that fix successful, gay Republican men up with attractive "beards" looking for a meal-ticket. They may have connections to some national groups.

I've noticed several ways to tell if a guy is one of these closeted-gay-conservative-family-guys-married-to-an-attractive-woman.

1. They call sports talk radio and whine about how people making fun of Tim Tebow.

2. They cry along with Glenn Beck.

3. They can't get their Blue-Ray DVD of Avatar to work in their DVD player and blame "liberals in Hollywood" for this.

4. They trash poetry books by MSU professors on their blog.

5. They are offended by Katy Perry’s "I Kissed a Girl."

6. They won't bring their wife's fudge to the office cookie swap at Christmas because they fear being labeled a "fudge packer."

7. They talk about how they think Sarah Palin is more attractive than Paris Hilton. They also think Dr. Laura is more attractive than Kim Kardashian.

8. They have a phobia about pink toothbrushes.

9. They tell people their occupation is a venture capitalist.

10. They have referred to Scott Brown as a "hottie."

Personally, I think someone should just let these guys be gay. These attractive women could be better suited with a guy like me. It looks like someone could find me an attractive wife. I may not be a Republican, from a well-to-do family or have a successful business, but I AM HETEROSEXUAL.

Of course, opinions like these are why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

TEDDY PENDERGRASS DEAD AT 59

Here is the story from AP/MSNBC.

Here is one of his biggest hits after he left Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes.


THE SONG "SOCIETY'S CHILD" ISN'T ABOUT ME

I first heard the song "Society's Child" by Janis Ian when I was in junior high in Lebanon, MO. It was on an Kansas AM oldies station late one night (this was in the early 80's).

At the time I was infatuated with Eunice Moneymaker (pictured above) and several other of her cheerleader friends. Everyone from the redneck rubes in class to teachers and other adults told me I couldn't go steady with a cheerleader since I wasn't a jock. They would get very angry at me when I said it shouldn't matter that I wasn't a jock and should be allowed to have a cheerleader as a girlfriend. Apparently this is some big important law on the books in either the city of Lebanon and Laclede County as much hatred as was directed at me for wanting to break the "cheerleaders-only-go-with-jocks-law." If this is a law I'm going to ask both Lebanon Mayor C.P. Craig and President Obama to create a law to force cheerleaders to date at least one nerd a month.

I heard this song and thought this was about how Eunice wasn't (and the other cheerleaders) allowed to go steady with me because I wasn't a jock.

I've since found out I was wrong about the song. It is about a white girl not being allowed to date a black boy.

However, I'm pretty certain that the songs "Seven Year Ache" by Roseanne Cash and "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon are about me.

I should say that Eunice's mother, Kay, is a very nice lady and had no problems with me being in love with her daughter. It was Eunice had a problem with me being in love with her. If you see Kay, tell her Sherman Muckenfuss says hello (Yes, my real name is Sheman Muckenfuss - At least it ain't Shottenkirk).
Here is Janis Ian singing that song on the Smothers Brother Comedy Hour in 1967.

THE LEGEND OF SHEBBA THE BELLY DANCER

This post on my blog has been over a year in the making. I had to go look through some of the old News Leaders and Daily News on microfilm at the Springfield Library Center to find the information I was looking for. It was in regards to a person known to many as "Shebba the Belly Dancer." When I was small, I remember that stories on the KY 3 6 o'clock news about "Shebba" sparked chuckles from my parents, but I also remember that the laughter stopped when "Shebba" took her own life. That name was stuck in the back of my brain for years, but I didn't know what it was that "Shebba" did.

Some of the info came from the memories of some veteran news people here in town, but most of it came from newspaper articles. I will not give her real name out of respect for any living family members. Also the photo above is not "Shebba" but a generic belly dancer.

"Shebba the Belly Dancer" first came to the attention of Ozarkers in 1977, when she asked to refuse her a place to display information of the benefits of belly dancing and how to get involved in belly dancing classes. City fathers thought she was going to be belly dancing in the courthouse. This spawned several visits to Springfield city council meetings where Shebba railed against the city council members for not listening to her when she tried to tell them what she wanted to do (They did allow her to set up a display with brochures in the courthouse rotunda).

The next time folks heard of her was when she showed up a city council meeting where a group called Springfield Council Against Pornography was pushing a tough anti-porn ordinance. Shebba told everyone that she recognized the preacher heading the anti-porn group as a man, who had tried to hire her and her dance troupe to perform a "nude fire dance" for a party with some of his male friends and possibly make some "films." The preacher resigned his position as head of the group. He didn't admit to Shebba's charges, but said the accusation drew too much attention to him (Some locals say that Shebba's accusations held water - one long- time Springfieldian referred to this as a "Baptist Boogie Nights").

The next month, Shebba had a scuffle at her home with Springfield PD when they came with a search warrant. It was believed that Shebba and her husband had reported a burglary and vandalizing of the home earlier. The police came to search for evidence that she had damaged the home herself as part of an insurance fraud scheme. This began a succession of assault charges, court appearances, police visits and fights with neighbors. One neighbor claimed that she tried to shoot him. She was charged with firing a gun into a building (she died before this went to trial).

In the middle of all of this, she would frequently call members of the media to tell them about the benefits of belly dancing and the "evils" of the Springfield city council and police department. One Springfieldian remembers that she once performed a sabre dance on the porch of the police department, facing Chestnut Expressway, and knocked the P & O off of the side of the building with her sabre, so it read "SPRINGFIELD LICE HEADQUARTERS."

Shebba's neighbors asked Mayor Paul Redfern to have her locked up. In August of 1978, she went to jail before being sent to Park Central Hospital for psychiatric evaluation. While on a weekend furlough from the hospital, she went back to her old neighborhood and walked around shouting "SHEBBA IS BACK!"
One of the neighbors snitched to the Assistant Greene County Prosecutor, who revoked her furloughs. A judge, shortly thereafter, ordered Shebba to be transferred to the State Mental Hospital in Fulton. While waiting for her transfer, she hung herself in a closet with a bed sheet.

The News Leader tried to interview neighbors, but many would not speak to the reporter. One neighbor, who said she never had problems with Shebba, blamed the other neighbors and the assistant prosecutor. Shebba's psychiatrist said he thought the prosecutor's office was over zealous, while the prosecutor's office said they believed that she was "a threat to the community."

A neighbor was quoted in the News Leader as saying "We didn't want her to die." It was a sad ending to a story that started with the same recurring theme that all problems start with - the Ozarker's repressed sexuality and there need to find "an enemy." Was Shebba "a threat to the community" or just to her nosy neighbors? Only God knows that.

The community has a problem with thinking that someone is "the enemy" or "a threat" to "the good life we have in the Ozarks." If Shebba was such "a threat" how come only those who dealt with her in someway remember the details and some of those feel she got raw treatment. Most current Springfieldian's have never heard of her and even some old timers memories of her are vague as to what she did.

I'm sure some people will be upset by this post. They will go into the entomology of some of the words I used in this piece or find a neighbor who "still has nightmares about Shebba" or call me "an unpleasant coward" because I "call people names" (That is like the pot calling the kettle black).

You might say Shebba the Belly Dancer was the original SUPER-VILLAIN OF THE OZARKS!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

GUY FROM STRYPER MARRIES HOOKER

When I was in high school there was one heavy metal band that I could NOT stand - Stryper. I always thought they were a plot cooked up by a bunch of adults. I felt the same way about Petra. I also didn't trust Stryper because they wore black and gold, which was the Lebanon High School colors.

CNN reports that Oz Fox of Stryper (who are surprisingly still together) married Annie Lobert Friday in Las Vegas. She is the founder of a Vegas based group called Hookers For Jesus.

You can't make stuff like this up.

PUNCH UP YOUR RESUME WITH 70s PORN CHIC

An out-of-work copywriter named Lawson Clarke came up with a great way to attract attention to potential employers. Ad Age's Bob Garfield reports that Clarke created a 70's porn themed website showcasing some of his best work and his half naked body. The site, malecopywriter.com, looks like a Playgirl centerfold with Clarke posing on a bearskin rug with his "best work" displayed on a neo-Panasonic portable TV. When you first arrive on the site the TV is playing, what appears to be, an old "Sign-Off" tape. Maybe that is what this blog needs to attract readers - a picture of me naked.

I See Nothing Wrong With Those Jeans

Before you read what I have to say, check out Busplunge's post about the Calvin Klein ads with Brooke Shields. Those ads are still sexy. So why are all the sleazy gossip websites ridiculing several female stars such as Jessica Simpson, Kelly Brooks and Kim Kardashian (all pictured above) for wearing jeans like that? It appears those jeans are coming back in style but the gossip sites are trying to fight their return by calling these "mom jeans." So help me if there is a picture of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton in a skintight pair of Dittos or Sasson with a caption "mom jeans" on one of those websites, I'll zap the nasty little person behind that gossip site with my death-ray and scatter their atoms to the fore winds. Did you know there is a gossip site called "Dirty Whores"? That is highly disrespectful to any woman famous or not!

While we are on the subject Ozarkers, could someone tell me the name of the Western wear store on the North Town Mall in Springfield that ran commercials in the early 80's with hot babes in tight jeans (like the ones above) shaking their booties to Joe Walsh's "All Night Long"? I loved that commercial when I was eleven/twelve.

The Springfield Daily News Started The Gay Thing

Some have complained that the Springfield News Leader is pro-gay. The Springfield Daily News began the gay newspaper story facination in 1978. Of course, one old guy was against the printing of this. I didn't print his letter to the editor. Mwu-HAHAHAHA!

Springfield Has Plenty of Porn in 1978

This ad appeared in the Springfield Daily News in 1978.

Car Wash Sex in Saginaw Sucks

It is the kind of stuff they make bad teen movies about. WLNS TV in Lansing, Michigan has the story of a poor guy looking for oral sex at the car wash. Sadly, he was arrested.

"Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash." A resident called the police and the man was arrested by a police office who approached on foot. The poor dope couldn't get away because he was being held in place by the suction.

His name was released because people would laugh at him for getting it on with a car wash vacuum. I wonder if he was going spray himself with the scent machine.