FORGET LeBRON - THIS IS THE SPORTS HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Reuters.com has this gem: TIRED GAY SUCCUMBS TO DIX IN 200 METERS.

SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT THESE "MARRIED" SPRINGFIELD BOYS

This post will probably upset most of Springfield, but I feel this needs to be brought out into the open. Some of the other bloggers, such as Busplunge and Fat Jack, have brought this up in various post and it always produces a flurry of negative comments from those on the right (Usually that little punk named Jeremy). I don't allow comments, so I feel safe. I have noticed, while eating at a pizza buffett here in town, that there are a great number of attractive women married to upwardly mobile men who are closeted gay.

I know what you people are going to do. You will start saying I'm an evil person for suggesting this, but I'm observing this more and more in our community. You will see a whole group of families at a restaurant. The children will be eating and playing. The mothers will be swapping "mommy talk." While all of this going on, these lovely ladies' husbands are winking at each other, between yelling at the kids and talking about sports. Before anyone says it is my imagination, I want to point out that, at some point, one of these "family" men will say to another one (in a high feminine voice) "This chocolate chip pizza is to dddiiiieee for!"

They have all the trappings of being the kind of men that talk radio show host and News Leader letter writers think everyone should be. They drive an Escalade plastered with a McCain-Palin sticker and a "Support the Troops" magnet. They are wearing T-shirts with religious theme or a sports team logo on them. However, these guys act like their wives are a just a person who came along for the ride. No hugging, kissing or hand holding. She is just a kid wrangler.

I firmly believe there is a secret network of conservative groups and churches in this community that fix successful, gay Republican men up with attractive "beards" looking for a meal-ticket. They may have connections to some national groups.

I've noticed several ways to tell if a guy is one of these closeted-gay-conservative-family-guys-married-to-an-attractive-woman.

1. They call sports talk radio and whine about how people making fun of Tim Tebow.

2. They cry along with Glenn Beck.

3. They can't get their Blue-Ray DVD of Avatar to work in their DVD player and blame "liberals in Hollywood" for this.

4. They trash poetry books by MSU professors on their blog.

5. They are offended by Katy Perry’s "I Kissed a Girl."

6. They won't bring their wife's fudge to the office cookie swap at Christmas because they fear being labeled a "fudge packer."

7. They talk about how they think Sarah Palin is more attractive than Paris Hilton. They also think Dr. Laura is more attractive than Kim Kardashian.

8. They have a phobia about pink toothbrushes.

9. They tell people their occupation is a venture capitalist.

10. They have referred to Scott Brown as a "hottie."

Personally, I think someone should just let these guys be gay. These attractive women could be better suited with a guy like me. It looks like someone could find me an attractive wife. I may not be a Republican, from a well-to-do family or have a successful business, but I AM HETEROSEXUAL.

Of course, opinions like these are why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ozarkers Believed That "Twinkie" Myth

I was glad to see Sean Penn win Best Actor for Milk (although I wanted Brad Pitt to win). I've liked Penn ever since Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I'm interested in seeing the film, although the Harvey Milk story had an ugly effect on my childhood. Nothing to do with the late Mr. Milk, but the guy who killed him, Dan White.

You see, as a child, I didn't eat much. When I entered the seventh grade I weight 95 pounds. I didn't like to eat the stuff my parents ate. I preferred the fun stuff: soda, hot dogs, candy bars, etc., what fascist adults called "junk food." I did finally start eating the "healthy" stuff. Ironically, you don't want to know what I weigh now.

I would get lectured about eating this stuff, especially at Mark Twain Elementary. Mark Twain Elementary was home to Principal Betty Moore and some of the crankiest teachers on the planet. I think they should make laws against public educators being that cranky and evil. One of the things I heard at school and from other evil adults (I don't call these people "well-meaning adults" because any adult against me doing what I wanted to do was, and still is, evil) was "There was a man in California that would only eat Twinkies and Coke. It caused him to go crazy and kill two men he worked with." That may have scared the other kids but it didn't work on Desdinova, because I was smarter than every adult I knew back then (I'm still smarter than most people older than me).

I was going when I set out to write this post I Googled Dan White and found this article from The San Fransisco Chronicle in November of 2003. It talks about how the Myth of the Twinkie Defense as it was called that supposedly got Dan White a reduced sentence. It got me into a trouble but then again that is what makes me SUPER VILLAIN OF THE OZARKS!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHA!

The Springfield Daily News Started The Gay Thing

Some have complained that the Springfield News Leader is pro-gay. The Springfield Daily News began the gay newspaper story facination in 1978. Of course, one old guy was against the printing of this. I didn't print his letter to the editor. Mwu-HAHAHAHA!