FOR COUNTRY MUSIC HATERS LIKE ME

DESDINOVA'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

WORST JOB l EVER HAD - WATERLESS COOKWARE SALESMAN (While Bullied by Texans)

I thought the readers still subscribing to the old blog would enjoy this post from my current blog.

WHAT HAPPENED TO POKING FUN AT SQUARES?

The New Adventures of Desdinova the Super Villain of the Ozarks: WHAT HAPPENED TO POKING FUN AT SQUARES?: Over time the portrayals of certain groups of people have changed over the years. You can see many horrible politically incorrect images i...

I DON'T LIKE GUYS WHO WEAR SUITS

I don't like guys who wear suits. They are usually preppy douche bags, who have a fetish-like obsession with money.

Case in point: two guys who I had to deal with at work today. They were Republicans (naturally) and they were wearing matching suits. I just kept think to myself, "What did these two dimwits do to screw up their lives to make themselves so uncool?" and also "Why is everyone here at work acting like these guys are cooler than me? These guys are dorks who wear suits!!!" The sad part is these geeks make more money than me.

An opinion, like this one, is why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!!

COMEDY IS LOST ON SOME OZARKERS

I recently started putting some classic comedy track into my Ipod. There many times that I just need a good laugh.

Some of the classic pieces in my Ipod comedy section:

• "Class Clown" by George Carlin
• "Father Flotski's Triumph" by Lenny Bruce
• "One Leg Too Few" by Peter Cook & Dudley Moore
• "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" by Firesign Theater
• "Driving Instructor" by Bob Newhart
• "What It Was Was Football" by Andy Griffith
• "Sister Mary Elephant" by Cheech & Chong
• "The Dentist" by Bill Cosby
• "Little Blue Ridding Hood" by Stan Freburg
• "The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress" by Flip Wilson
• "The Parrot Sketch" by Monty Python's Flying Circus
• "Buckwheat" by Eddie Murphy
• "Mom Liked You Best" by the Smothers Brothers
• "Grandpa Funk" by Robin Williams
• "A Wild and Crazy Guy" by Steve Martin

A pretty good selection of great comedy. You notice there isn't any Larry the Cable Guy in my Ipod.

DESDINOVA'S DEMENTED CHRISTMAS THEATER

Last Christmas, I was watching on a disc from one of those DVD box sets made by the Mill Creek Company. I found one called "Christmas Cartoons and Shorts." It had several Christmas cartoons from the 30s & 40s on it, but also several short subjects from Castle Films. Castle made films for home projectors and schools. Some of the Christmas short films had me saying "WTF?!?!?!?" Here are two of those.

SANTA CLAUS, PUNCH & JUDY: Santa indulges a group of little Baby Boomers with the puppet equivalent of extreme fighting. This may not be safe at work since one scene involves a puppet spanking his monkey (with a large stick).



SANTA IN ANIMAL LAND: This one would be best viewed aided by alcohol and drugs. It might make it more logical.



No animal puppets were harmed during the filming of this movie. However, watching it could lead to brain damage. This explains why many Baby Boomers tried drugs.

PARENTS IN THE OZARKS ARE ANAL FASCIST

I'm hearing commercials on local radio for a company called Federal Protection. They are a home security firm, which is okay. What I find ludicrous about their ads is the claims that they can text you when "the kids get home from school." They also will "notify you" if someone "opens your liquor cabinet." This is probably used by the same goofy Ozarks parents, who have Net Nanny on their computers and block MTV and the Cartoon Network on the television. Probably these people have the Ozarks spanking fetish.

Trust me on this folks, I could have used a good stiff drink when I got home from school.

Of course, an opinion, like this one, is why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

LESLIE NIELSEN 1926 - 2010 "And don't call me Shirley."

Actor Leslie Nielsen has died at age 84. Here is his obit from The Wrap. I wonder if they will put Bracken's World: the Complete Series on DVD, like they did Police Squad!

Trivia that links Ingrid Pitt and Leslie Nielsen? Christopher Lee, who co-starred with Pitt in the House That Dripped Blood and The Wicker Man, turned down the Dr. Rumack role in Airplane! The reason was he didn't want to be called Shirley.

A MEDICAL QUESTION

2010 has been a bad year for me. I tore a tendon in my leg during a fall on the ice in January. This went undetected thanks to my former doctor, who said the pain in my ankle was caused by "my excessive weight." (Notice I said he was my former doctor) I've also had bronchitis, kidney stones, a spider bite and was diagnosed as being a type 2 diabetic.

I have a question for doctors and patients alike. It is allegorical to the current state of radio industry and American politics. I thought of this while read several disheartening news stories on All Access today. This also has local ramifications.

If you were in charge of a hospital, who would you hire to take care of patients and perform surgery? Would you hire experienced specialist and surgeons? Would you hire young specialist and surgeons just out of medical school? Or would you place your patients in the care of people who are not educated in medicine, but other fields? These people would be plumbers, stock brokers, mortgage lenders, bankers, real estate agents and auctioneers. They would pay you to allow them to operate on patients (It would be an ego thing).

Would you also support one of these stock brokers, mortgage lenders, bankers, real estate agents or auctioneers if they want to be president of the American Medical Association, even though they don't know anything about medical science? They would be "outsiders" from the medical profession, but they are "business men."

After all, a plumber, stock broker, mortgage lender, banker, real estate agent or auctioneer may not have went to medical school, but they are "business men." They could probably do just as good operating on your prostrate or your brain tumor as someone who went to some big medical school in a big city somewhere. We all know that "business men" are so much smarter than teachers, firemen, policemen, judges, psychiatrist, social workers and media people, so they probably know more than some person who spent about ten years in college studying to be a doctor. Are you going to let them operate on you?

They'll probably cut your throat and let you bleed to death. That is what most "business men" do to us and our country anyway.

An opinion, like this one, is why I'm the Super-Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO LIKE THAT SONG

Did you ever stop liking something that you thought was "cool" when you were younger? Recently, I discovered that I no longer liked a song from my youth called "88 Lines About 44 Women." The song was by a group called the Nails. It kept coming up in my Ipod and Itunes. I had transferred it from a CD of 80's hits, so it wasn't like I had paid to download it.

You see when I was in junior high this song would occasionally be heard on the radio. If it was heard it was after 10 p.m at night. The reason was it had "dirty words" in it. I don't think I ever heard a "censored" version of this song. Somebody in Hammons Hall had it on a tape or record, because you could hear it playing down the hall. I didn't hear it again until I bought this 80's hits CD.

As it began playing on my Ipod and Itunes in shuffle mode, I noticed something. "88 Lines About 44 Women" is a really lame song. It is only about five minutes long, but it seems to go on for an eternity. The singer reads the lyrics like an NPR radio host, while the music sounds like it was played on a children's keyboard. The lyrics are simple yet so random. I could write new lyrics to this song and nobody would know the difference. All I need was to do would be come up with (1) two women's names - one exotic and one common, (2) an action that is very normal or sweet and tender (3) an action that is both disturbing and repulsive about either religion, drugs, sex or bodily functions and (4) throw in a four letter word. It would go something like this:

"Vanda was a fat girl, but she knew how to dance. Melinda was a sexy blond with a bad habit of $#!++ing her pants. Hhhuuummmm-hum-hum-hum-hum-HUM-hum-hum"

At the end of each verse, the lead vocalist/narrator would hum (Yes, I said hum) along with the music. To make things worse, there was another song about that time that sounded like it was being played on a child's keyboard that consisted mainly of the words "Da da da" repeated over and over.

If you MUST hear this song, you can find a homemade video of the song on You Tube. It probably isn't safe for work because it is not PC, not family friendly and down right annoying.

I'M GOING TO START A RADIO FORMAT CONSULTING FIRM

I've decided to do something I never thought I would do. I'm going to start a radio format consulting firm. This is the only way I can get radio the way I want it.

I have the perfect name for my radio format consulting firm. At least three of my co-workers in the last week have said, "Radio format consultants are as worthless as a warm bucket of pee."

So I plan to call my radio format consulting firm: WARM BUCKET OF P RADIO CONSULTANTS.

Of course, an opinion, like this one, is why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I WANT TO HOLD A "HEY LIGHTEN UP AMERICA" RALLY IN BRANSON

I WANT TO RESTORE HUMOR AND FUN IN AMERICA! THAT IS MY GOAL!

I would like to hold a "HEY LIGHTEN UP AMERICA" rally, because for the past nine years there has been under siege by a mentality that we have to take everything serious, live in fear and suspicion of others and hate anything fun and entertaining. I blame this on the talk radio crowd and Faux News. We need to restore a sense of fun and humor badly. When people get up and arms on You Tube over that old Peter Pan Peanut Butter commercial with Laugh-In's Alan Sues in it, you know that this country has a bad crisis in the humor and fun department.

I would be the host and MC of the event. For a co-host, I need a wild, hot babe like Paris Hilton, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Milly Cyrus or Lindsay Lohan. A special guest will be Steven "Hit the Slide and Ride" Slater. The perfect location for this would be Branson, MO on 76 Country Boulevard. We also need a cross section of music both alternative and hip hop. NO COUNTRY MUSIC WILL BE ALLOWED. BOOZE AND OTHER SUBSTANCES WILL BE PROVIDED. CLOTHING WILL BE OPTIONAL.

Security will be provided by the "New" Black Panthers.

Everyone will receive a free pink toothbrush to ward off evil spirits (and out of work Canadian talk radio show host).

I'm sure this will draw ten times the crowd that Glenn Beck's stupid rally did. And when I he sees I drew a bigger crowd than him and Silly Sarah of Moosealoony, they will both cry "Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo."

Of course, an opinion, like this one, is what makes me the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

IDEA FOR A DESDINOVA NOVEL

I've noticed some of the other bloggers on SGF Blogs have published original fiction on their blog sites. I'm considering trying this. I thought it would be interesting to write a series of comical/satiric novels about myself - Desdinova the Super Villain of the Ozarks.

There have been very few super villains who have been the main character in a series of novels. The only ones I can think of are Sax Rohmer's Fu Manchu and Thomas Harris' Hannibal Lecter. In each novel, Desdinova would commit a crime that would horrify the Ozarks, but would probably not be taken seriously in California, New York or even Oklahoma. The local authorities would be so incompetent that they would be unable to stop Desdinova.

The plot of the first novel would be similar to John Wyndham's The Midwich Cuckoos, which has been filmed twice under the title the Village of the Damned. The plot is also based on the old joke about "something in the water."

Desdinova develops a technique called "covert hydro fertilization." He uses this technique to impregnate women attending a convention for Republican women through complimentary bottled water given to those attending. The women are not only shocked that they are pregnant (since Republicans don't have sex) but their pregnancies only last three weeks.

Once the children are born, they begin to grow and mature rapidly. The boys, who all look like the cute little boy pictured above, have a maniacal laugh (Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!). They do horrible things to embarrass their parents in front of their rich friends. Slowly they begin to try and bump off their parents. That is when it is discovered that they are under the power of Desdinova and their goal is world domination! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Just an idea so far.

SMOTHERS BROTHERS RETIRE

Smothers Brothers Retire From the Comedy Grind

This comes from the Popeater.com.

Happy retirement guys! I'll take up your mantle and make fun of the idiots.

SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT THESE "MARRIED" SPRINGFIELD BOYS

This post will probably upset most of Springfield, but I feel this needs to be brought out into the open. Some of the other bloggers, such as Busplunge and Fat Jack, have brought this up in various post and it always produces a flurry of negative comments from those on the right (Usually that little punk named Jeremy). I don't allow comments, so I feel safe. I have noticed, while eating at a pizza buffett here in town, that there are a great number of attractive women married to upwardly mobile men who are closeted gay.

I know what you people are going to do. You will start saying I'm an evil person for suggesting this, but I'm observing this more and more in our community. You will see a whole group of families at a restaurant. The children will be eating and playing. The mothers will be swapping "mommy talk." While all of this going on, these lovely ladies' husbands are winking at each other, between yelling at the kids and talking about sports. Before anyone says it is my imagination, I want to point out that, at some point, one of these "family" men will say to another one (in a high feminine voice) "This chocolate chip pizza is to dddiiiieee for!"

They have all the trappings of being the kind of men that talk radio show host and News Leader letter writers think everyone should be. They drive an Escalade plastered with a McCain-Palin sticker and a "Support the Troops" magnet. They are wearing T-shirts with religious theme or a sports team logo on them. However, these guys act like their wives are a just a person who came along for the ride. No hugging, kissing or hand holding. She is just a kid wrangler.

I firmly believe there is a secret network of conservative groups and churches in this community that fix successful, gay Republican men up with attractive "beards" looking for a meal-ticket. They may have connections to some national groups.

I've noticed several ways to tell if a guy is one of these closeted-gay-conservative-family-guys-married-to-an-attractive-woman.

1. They call sports talk radio and whine about how people making fun of Tim Tebow.

2. They cry along with Glenn Beck.

3. They can't get their Blue-Ray DVD of Avatar to work in their DVD player and blame "liberals in Hollywood" for this.

4. They trash poetry books by MSU professors on their blog.

5. They are offended by Katy Perry’s "I Kissed a Girl."

6. They won't bring their wife's fudge to the office cookie swap at Christmas because they fear being labeled a "fudge packer."

7. They talk about how they think Sarah Palin is more attractive than Paris Hilton. They also think Dr. Laura is more attractive than Kim Kardashian.

8. They have a phobia about pink toothbrushes.

9. They tell people their occupation is a venture capitalist.

10. They have referred to Scott Brown as a "hottie."

Personally, I think someone should just let these guys be gay. These attractive women could be better suited with a guy like me. It looks like someone could find me an attractive wife. I may not be a Republican, from a well-to-do family or have a successful business, but I AM HETEROSEXUAL.

Of course, opinions like these are why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

THE YOUNGER GENERATION OF MEN WORRY ME

I never thought I would say this, I’m worried about our country’s future when I see some of the local young people.

I frequent a popular chain restaurant, which is a favorite of people in their late teens and early twenties. The young women don’t bother me very much. Matter of fact most of them seem like fun. It is the young men. They are goobers.

First off, why are they going out in Carhartt overalls? Those are what you wear when you are working, not when you are out cruising for babes. They also have beards like Mennonites or Amish men. What is up with that? They also all have John Deere caps. Do these people want to be farmers?

These guys don’t seem to be paying attention to the ladies around them. They are watching whatever Fox Sports or ESPN on the ten or so large screen TVs, or they playing Golden Tee. I’m afraid these guys are the same kind of idiots who would prefer Sarah Palin over Paris Hilton.

These boys have no taste in music. They seem to love to play a horrible song called “Chicken Fried” on the Touch Tones juke box. This has to be the worst song ever written. If they aren’t playing that song, it is Darrell Worrley, Toby Keith, Blake Shelton or Tim McGraw. I get so disgusted hearing this garbage, that I have to pump several dollars into the juke box so I can hear some music I like. Why can’t these guys like Van Halen, Sex Pistols, Nirvana and Ozzy like I did when I was their age?

These stupid young guys also are fans of talk radio. As you all know I hate talk radio with a passion. I even hate that more than country music. These guys are like most of the sleeze bag, talk radio host they label anything they don’t like as “socialism.” Everything from Obama’s health care reform and gun control to Espresso and Twilight gets called “socialism” by these intellectually challenged doofuses.

I'm not sure what caused these kids to be this way. The only thing I can think of is the crazy parents who home schooled their kids in the 90's. I'm sure some Ozarkers want young people to be this way. I DON'T! I WANT THEM TO BE LIKE ME! All I know is I fear these guys will be running things in a few years. Hopefully, I can take over the world before then. Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I REMEMBER YOU FROM SCHOOL - YOU WERE A PAIN THEN TOO

This is a response to a post on a weenie blog a few weeks ago. It was a slam to people of my political persuasion. This person tried to explain that her political ideology was better than mine. The more I read the more I realized not only why I’m proud to be a liberal, but who most of the conservative people my age are. I have also noticed this by the people who have friended me on Facebook from high school.

Conservatives are those people we didn’t like in junior high and high school. You know the ones I’m talking about. They were not necessarily the popular kids. They were the ones who wanted to be more popular than the popular kids.

Granted, I wanted to be the most popular kid in school but on my own merits such as my hip and cool taste in music, movies, humor and looks (Okay the last one was a stretch). These people were obsessed with grades and achieving notoriety.

There is nothing wrong with excelling, but these people rubbed it in your face that they had better grades than you, that they were the president of a club or on a sports team. However, if someone achieved more than these people, they had their parents go to the teacher, then to principal, then to school board and get some changes made. Usually, a good teacher or coach lost their job, because they did some good like give everyone an “A” or allow a lowly student like myself to be in the spotlight rather than the ‘over-achiever’ or allowed wimpy me play on their team in P.E.

Also these people were the ones who made fun of you to your face. However, if you have a good come back for them, it became “major incident.” Daddy & Mommy would go to the Principal and we would be forced to apologize along with spending time in detention (Speaking of which, if you still can't grasp the kind of people I'm talking about, think of the characters played by Molly Rigwald and Emilio Estivez in The Breakfast Club).

These people usually quit college and said it was because “The professors were liberal.” Actually it was a combination of daddy & mommy weren’t around to fight their battles and partying. See, in junior high/high school these people were always president of S.A.D.D or Teen Action or some other self-righteous, preachy group. They lectured me on how my love of heavy metal, punk and 60s psychedelic music would lead me to drug abuse. Then it turns out these people drank themselves out of SMSU or Mizzou or Drury Or Evangel.

These days those people tell you how much they make, how much their house is worth, how many well-disciplined kids they have and how many vehicles they have. THEY DON’T REALIZE WE STILL DON’T CARE! I have over 3000 CDs and about 200 DVDs. I would like a wife and kids, but the hours I work I wouldn’t have time to spend with her.

I also get paid very little, have lousy health insurance and the industry I work in has been taken over by large money-grubbing corporations that are only interested in making stars out of right-wing scumbags.

Yes, I believe in equality, but you people never did. You are still only interested in one thing...yourself. That is why I never liked you people in school. That is why I was and still am considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BTW, if the former governor of Alaska wants to complain about me using her photo in this post on her Facebook page...I’ll sue her butt off!

TAKING TIME TO BLOG

Early in the history of this blog, I was attacked by an anonymous commenter that I didn't update my blog enough. That snide remark has made me worry that I don't post enough on my blog.

I'll admit, there have been long gaps in between post at times. There are two reasons for this:

1. Lack of interest in anything going on. If something doesn't strike me as something I can find humor in or I have a need to speak my mind on, I leave it alone. There are plenty of blogger who will comment on it.
2. Time. Yes, that is what this post is about. I'm pressed for time due to my "real" job and the odd hours I work. Sometimes I can post at work, but even then I'm usually doing something else. I force myself to blog while fighting sleep when I get home.

I would love to make a post an hour like Tony's Kansas City (That is a rough estimate). Of course, I know of many of the Founding Fathers of Springfield Blogging used to knock out a great post everyday. These days, we are lucky to see a post out of them a month. They are busier than they were in the early part of the past decade.
Some times I have an idea for a post on a current topic, but by the time I get a chance to post anything it is old news. Case in point, my view point on the Super Bowl commercials since I'm an advertising nut. On the other hand, some things have been sitting on the back burner a long time. The spanking post from a few weeks ago has been in my head for a while, it was just some recent things going on that made me go ahead with it. I'm dying to sound off on something I read on another local blog that proved a point I have about certain people's political beliefs.
My advise to bloggers: DO IT YOUR WAY! MAKE THE BLOG YOUR OWN CREATION! Take advise on how to improve your readership or promotion, but don't listen to people who want hard set rules for bloggers. You don't have to give your real name or allow comments if you don't want to. The people who say you have to take comments and give your real name are people who want to harass you over some silly thing like preferring the 60s TV show Batman over that horrible movie The Dark Knight.
Most of all, HAVE FUN! I frequently find myself laughing while posting my opinions. Of course, opinions like these are why I'm the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

JOHNNY CARSON HAS BEEN GONE 5 YEARS TODAY

Former Tonight Show host Johnny Carson died five years ago today. He has spent the last week spinning in his grave after it was announced that NBC was firing Conan O'Brien and bringing back Jay Leno.

If Johnny was here today he would say, "I gave the world Art Fern and Carnac. Does NBC really think Leno having people run over a cardboard cutout of Al Gore with an electric car is funny? Now running over Spiro Agnew with a car would be great comedy. Leno knows nothing about comedy. Conan was much better. They should have listened to me in the first place and gave the show to Letterman. Everybody up here Heaven watches Dave for the Sarah Palin jokes alone. NBC has made a mistake this big since Supertrain."