THE OZARKS HAS A SPANKING FETISH

This post has been coming for a long time, but some things I noticed this week have brought this subject to my attention again. The Ozarks has a sick and twisted love of spanking.

Last summer, I was in a fast food place eating here in Springfield. At the table next to mine was about three couples, who were around my age. These were the people who were big into screaming "rules" at their kids like a Marine Corp D.I. "Don't run! Don't touch! Don't make noise! Don't breath!"

These people were talking rather loud, so everyone in the place could hear them, on how they "enjoyed" being spanked by their parents. These people were loudly letting the people in this fast food joint (and probably most of Springfield) that they against "time outs." This woman began breathing heavy while telling about how she enjoyed it. This one guy said "he liked the smell of his father's belt." He then became very giddy as he began telling about how many "lashes" he would get and his eyes began rolling back in his head. I left because I was afraid he was going to ejaculate on me and all the other people in the place.

• I'm seeing more and more of this kinky stupidity going on with in this community. Several people I know on Facebook joined a group called "My Parents Didn't Give Me Time Out."


• I stumbled upon a blog called "Chicks on the Right" by two women "who don't believe in time-outs." I think that is a veiled code for "we are professional dominatrixes."


• The MSU post-game show disintegrated into a Chuck Booms rant against parents that give their kid time outs. Chuck screamed into the microphone that he enjoyed being spanked. He thinks more parents need to spank their kids because he was spanked as a child. Why would anyone take parenting advice from this guy? He wears green shoelaces and talks about how much he likes Liza Minnelli.


• A few years ago, when Ron Davis was the host of Morning-line on KWTO was when the Domminc James death occured. Many of the idiots who called in to argue with Ron said the "gubermunt ain't got no rite to tayl me I kain't spank my kids." Ron didn't say that spanking should be banned. On the other hand, I DO THINK SPANKING YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE A CRIMINAL OFFENCE!

Let me explain why? My parents didn't spank me because a I was a pretty good kid. If my father or mother raised their voice at me, I broke down in tears. However, I went to a Republican/Sourthern Baptist run gulauge called Mark Twain Elementary in Lebanon, MO. The principal was Betty Chisim Moore, who walked the halls with an inch thick paddle. She also had an inch thick growth of hair on her legs. She looked like a refridgerator with legs and a face like those old women in the Far Side cartoons. The school had a lot of silly type rules like that could accidentally be broken by nice little kids like me. This was so she could have the pleasure of giving at least 50 spankings a day.

I'm sure though Betty Chisim Moore is in Hell giving topless lap dances to guys like Attila the Hun, Cauigula, Hitler and Richard Nixon. If you knew what Mrs. Moore looked like, this image would be enough to make you become a perfect Christian and avoid Hell at all cost.

This woman spanked me once. SHE WAS IN THE WRONG TO PUNISH DESDINOVA! I WAS SMARTER THAN HER AND ALL THE ADULTS IN LEBANON.

But I think this sick and twisted fetish these Ozarkers have with spanking needs to stop folks. Your kids will turn up warped like Chuck Booms instead of cool like me. Of course, opinions like this are why I'm the Super-Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BETTER THAN STEALING CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

There was a form on a Dominoes Pizza box for a Jackie Stiles Basketball Clinic. I thought I would sign up one of her biggest fans. Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Happy V.D (That stands for Valentine's Day)!

Valentine’s Day is here and almost past. It is a holiday that you either love or hate, because your memories are either good or bad. CNN has a great story on their website about this.

Sadly, at the moment there is no woman in Desdinova’s life, so I haven’t had to purchase anything for VD (Valentine’s Day).

I understand my co-worker, Chubby or whatever his name is, has been railing on Valentine’s Day as an evil plot by women to get gifts. Nice attitude. Of course, across town, “Popcicle Boy” has been giving advice on what to do for Valentine’s Day. Men: I’m no chick magnet (although I have invented one and when it is perfected I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Mwu-HAHAHAHA!) but I’m know that if you are taking advice on how to be romantic from Vincent David John Jacob Jingle Himerschmit Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla (who found a kangaroo) Shimmy Shimmy Ko-ko Bop Ramma Lama Ding Dong Do Wah Diddy Diddy Da Do Ron Ron Ron Da Do Ron Ron Gidyup Ooomp Pompa Oooomp Pompa Mow Mow Hiyo Silver Away Banana Fanna Fo Fanna De Doo Doo Doo De Da Da Da (That's all I want to say to you)Gabba Gabba Hey Gabba Hey (Now you're one of us) two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onion on a sesame seed bun, Itsy Bittsy Tiny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Joiner-Kersee Sammy Davis Junior Jericho, YOU DON’T DESERVE A GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE!

I spent a ton of money between seventh grade and my senor year on Eunice Moneymaker (pictured above). She went and married another guy. I really feel that she should pay me back for all the money I wasted on her. For instance, I would buy her a box of chocolates and she would give them to the rednecks and jock boys in her homeroom class. Eunice's knack for heartbreaking is responsible for me becoming the Super-villain of the Ozarks.

However, being nice does sometimes have advantages. I gave one young lady I was interested in a Valentine. I sort of snuck it in with something else. She didn’t notice it. I thought I had failed. The next day, she told me she found it later. She thanked me for it. She also told me the rat she was dating at that time had not given her a Valentine. She’s now married to someone else, but at least she appreciated it.

So Happy VD to all of you!